How to save a li(f)e
How to save a li(f)e
I
Pein and psychologist.
| psychologist | Dreams again? |
| Pein | Hm. |
| psychologist | You see there’s no point in trying to help you if you don’t talk, do you? |
| Pein | I told you my dreams don’t need do be discussed. |
| psychologist | Sure it won’t help? Open Yourself. |
| Pein | I already opened myself as wide as a revolving door, you know. You’re a stranger to me. It takes much heart to talk about things I don’t even talk about with friends. I guess it’s easier to talk to you since I don’t care about you. That’s why I pay you to help me. |
| psychologist | You know we have these meetings three times a week for three years now? You pay so much to talk to me and all the time we never made a point. |
| Pein | Hope dies last I guess. You should know money’s not my problem. |
| psychologist | I see. Since it’s your money buying this time I’ll get going then, hm. |
| Pein | Good. |
| psychologist | Okay, you say your dreams don’t matter, what about the window. You told me you’re afraid to look through your window. What do you feel by doing so? |
| Pein | Well, uhm… I feel… absence. |
| psychologist | Absence? Absence of love then? Since I’m talking to you I guess it’s always love. |
| Pein | Mh… I think it’s more than love missing.
I don’t want to look out of this window because it sucks all life and the little happiness I possess out of me. I’m losing colors and the black world surrounding me tries to fill me up. The warm sun stops shining and the red moon appears and kills all the flowers. Water turns to ice even though there is neither of them. I can see the clouds turn green and brown and life pours down from heaven. A strong and cold embrace strangles me and I feel the strong urge to run away and never stop, but I can’t. I’m trapped. |
| psychologist | Why? Just go away then, a window never did any harm, did it? |
| Pein | Well, that window does. You know it hurts, I told you it drives me insane. |
| psychologist | How can something so harmless hurt you? It’s a window, nothing more…
What do you feel? What else do you see that makes you go on staring through it? |
| Pein | Finally choosing my language, eh? |
| psychologist | Warming up. Go on then. |
| Pein | Well… I see her. She’s happy. I see her laughing and smiling. Enjoying her life, I guess… |
| psychologist | So… you try to keep this picture in mind? |
| Pein | Err… no, I want to erase it. I-It’s not me she’s happy with. Faceless human beings. Creatures surrounding her. They don’t love her. Not as I do. |
| psychologist | What are they doing? |
| Pein | Doesn’t matter at all. They’re happy…
It’s my only sense and longing in life to see her happy, so why is that scene making me feeling uncomfortable? |
| psychologist | Not clear? It’s not you she’s happy with. You want to be the reason of her being happy. You want to take part in her life.
How do you escape the scene? |
| Pein | I… I have to look away with a picture in mind. |
| psychologist | Which is? |
| Pein | … Me and her. I hold her hand. She smiles. I smile, too. |
| psychologist | So that makes you feel comfortable again? |
| Pein | Err… I… no. |
| psychologist | No? |
| Pein | No. I have to repeat it about thirty times until it works. Even if it works, there is this voice in my head. It keeps telling me it didn’t work. Wherever she is – without me – she’s happy – without me.
You know it drives me insane… If I then see her walking through the streets smiling, I know, simply know, she’s happy without me and the voice in my head tells me it’s my fault; I stopped staring with the wrong thought. |
| psychologist | I see… but you’re friends. Why don’t you just talk to her? Talking is medicine, it cures. You said that. |
| Pein | It’s easy to say…
What if she should decide that she doesn’t want me there by her side? |
| psychologist | What’s her name? |
| Pein | Changing the topic? We’ve had that before. |
| psychologist | I know you will only tell me you can’t and that you want to hear an instant solution. Tell me her name, it sure will help you. |
| Pein | S-she’s named ‘Faye’… |
| psychologist | (raises an eyebrow)
Wow, ‘took you three years to finally mention her name. What do you feel by hearing her name? Fa- |
| Pein | Don’t! I… f-feel the pain of her absence… I instantly want to hold her hand. It’s always soft and warm. Nothing else makes me feel this way…
If she’s not with me, her absence hurts and if she’s with me; I probably am with her, but she’s with everyone else but me… Though she’s with me, I’m alone… Please don’t say her name. It warms but at the same time it feels like you’re taking her away from me. You’re stealing her even though she never was mine. |
| psychologist | I see… Did erm… something happen to you…?
Since three years I try to open your heart like this but until now you never did. |
| Pein | Time’s running out… |
| psychologist | I thought you don’t want to commit suicide? Changed your mind? |
| Pein | No, and I never will! There’s a difference between wanting to die and not wanting to live, you know? |
| psychologist | You don’t want to live anymore? |
| Pein | I guess I can’t. I begin to feel numb.
I hate this world so much. Every human seems to be made of hatred. It hurts so much being like a chair. Nothing special. Just existing. A chair made out of wood. Cold and sharp wood. Once a living and growing tree, cut off due to the world’s will. |
| psychologist | You’re not dying by this are you? |
| Pein | Of course not, but it’s not living either. |
| psychologist | I understand… |
| Pein | You don’t! You’re not even able to imagine the least of the pain that I constantly have to ignore. |
| psychologist | I know you’d say this. Let’s go on anyway. How much time is left? |
| Pein | Going on like this I have two days left. |
| psychologist | (sarcastic)
And your only chance is to be finally loved? After your family has abandoned you and you spent your entire life in solitude? |
| Pein | (looks deeply hurt and sad)
Don’t talk like this… You don’t feel the tears drying on these words. |
| psychologist | (worse sarcastic)
I know, I know. Since they also dried on that sofa beneath you. As you’d say I don’t have the ability to feel. Go on. |
| Pein | (sighs)
Guess you’re right. Egoism’s coming up. I long to be loved. It’s like air you know; try to hold your breath as long as I didn’t receive any love. Love is life you know? Who says I do know what love is… |
| psychologist | Well then, at least you know what to do, do you? |
| Pein | I alr- |
| psychologist | (calm)
You say you don’t want to live. Now listen. All this pain, her sometimes cold behavior, your solitude – even within crowds of people, your heartache… all that will be gone if you just have a talk with Fa- |
| Pein | I TOLD YOU IT’S NOT THAT EASY!! … and PLEASE STOP SAYING HER NAME! |
| psychologist | (breathes slowly and goes on calm)
The world’s not like ‘plop’ and everything’s all right you know? |
| Pein | (calm again)
I-I know… I d-don’t know why I seem to be unable to t- |
| psychologist | You told me. Is it that more difficult to tell her? |
| Pein | … Did you? … Did you ever? |
| psychologist | Well … that’s not the topic, is it? Go on then. |
| Pein | You didn’t, right? How can you possibly know the least bit of the feeling if you never even tried?
Why are you able to live your goddamn life and be happy without talking?? How can you know your feelings are important if you’ve got no problems talking?? How can you just believe you’re able to feel??? HOW CAN YOU?? |
| psychologist | Calm down. |
| Pein | DON’T try to fix me; I am not broken! You are.
How could YOU ever know how I feel? (sighs) I guess I wasted three years of money and time in here throwing my words against your wall. Time’s up. |
| psychologist | I guess you rather wasted three years talking while keeping your mouth shut. |
| Pein | (leaves) |
II
Faye and Shawn. Later Pein.
| Shawn | I told you it’s not much I know ‘bout him… |
| Faye | … But you’re the only one he really talks to. You must know something…? |
| Shawn | … I guess I am… Listen, even as the person he considers his one and only true friend, I don’t know that. He’s not dropping his heart out on my table as you probably think; he pays this psychologist for listening to the pain pouring from his heart. |
| Faye | Yeah, I know this guy… |
| Shawn | (raises an eyebrow)
You know his psychologist? |
| Faye | Erm… well, yes, some weeks ago I thought it might be a good idea to kiss him…
I guess I was wrong… |
| Shawn | Oh… |
| Faye | Just forget about it. Doesn’t really matter. |
| Shawn | (slowly)
… yeah, … (normal again) Erm… If you want to know, why don’t you just go and talk with him? |
| Faye | He always has these frightening eyes, this sad glance and looks as if he’d rather die than share his love.
It seems as if he wants to be alone forever… without having ever experienced anything else than this emotional solitude. I’m already rejected without ever having tried to get trough his mask. |
| Shawn | Wouldn’t bet on that…
I’ll go now, I promised him to be in the park in a few minutes. We’ll meet again later? |
| Faye | (hugs him)
Yeah, see you later. |
| (Shawn leaves Faye and walks to the park) | |
| Shawn | (smiles)
Hey! Hey, Pein! |
| Pein | (sits on the ground next to a bench, hugging his knees)
… oi, Shawn, my friend, how are you? |
| Shawn | (takes seat on the bench next to him)
(smiles) Everything turns out to be quite all right. …you’re not ok, are you? |
| Pein | I urm… guess I’m not. I never am. |
| Shawn | (almost indifferently)
I know, I know. Is there anything I can do? |
| Pein | Mmh…, this time there really is something you could do… |
| Shawn | (surprised)
…yes? |
| Pein | Tell me… how do you… talk? |
| Shawn | (laughs)
Well, I guess I do exactly what everybody does; open my mouth and throw out the words expressing my thoughts. |
| Pein | Er… well, that’s not exactly what I meant… I want to know why you’re able to… erm… talk about things deeply hidden within yourself.
There are things… certain words, that won’t come across my lips. I want to ‘throw them out’ as you said, but I can’t. |
| Shawn | You want to tell Faye ‘bout your love, do you? |
| Pein | (sighs loud to try not to hear the name)
… Why am I the only human being possessing the inability to say things while talking? |
| Shawn | Am I right? |
| Pein | … yes. |
| Shawn | Well… go on and talk to her. Can’t be that bad for you, can it?
There’s nothing to loose. |
| Pein | Well, I could loose everything, even her. Not that easy, is it? What if she should decide that she doesn’t want me there in her life? |
| Shawn | Urm… well, then ask your psychologist.
(spoken fast; tries to be funny; smiles) I guess he’s instantly able to tell you how to talk to her since she kissed him afterwards. |
| Pein | (looks up into the sky; nervous)
… s-she erm… kissed him? |
| Shawn | She told me so. |
| Pein | Oh.
(his eyes turn pale and empty, he looks down again and tightens the hug around his knees) |
| Shawn | (looks at him and stops smiling)
Hey, it’s not a big deal, nothing to worry ‘bout; she said she shouldn’t have done. |
| Pein | … I can’t take it anymore! |
| Shawn | What do you mean? |
| Pein | This pain! I will… erm… may I ask you to do something for me? |
| Shawn | Feel free. |
| Pein | I will write a letter. Right now.
You know I always was and always will be there for you; even the same as I am for her… I never asked you to do anything for me… just until now. D’you think you could hand her the letter? … I just can’t go on like this; this pain is eating me alive. Am I the only human whose fate it is to hug his goddamn knees in terrifying solitude forever?? |
| Shawn | Hey, Pein… slow down; listen, I am your friend. Of course I’m going to hand over the letter for you.
You know what? Take your time and write the letter, I’m going to sit over there, waiting for you. Let me know when it’s finished… |
| Pein | …thank you… |
| Shawn | (smiles)
Love and Friendship, hm? Finally a connection between all you live for. (walks around and takes seat on another bench facing another direction) |
| Pein | (to himself)
Well… a letter. I don’t even know what I would have to say, how can I possibly know what to write? Write how I feel… write the way I feel… Damn. This language is not able to express the least of what I feel like… Faye, my dearest, how sorry am I for every fault I’ve made. I’m hardly capable of writing this letter with the last sense of my heart. I’m so sick of speaking words that no one understands; is it clear enough to you that I can’t live my whole life all alone? I just can’t; it doesn’t work. I can hear you when you whisper but you can’t even hear me screaming. I am dying. My heart is all yours; not mine anymore. It’s not beating for me but for you. I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same. You know what I’m trying to say? I love you. I love you so much it hurts. It hurts so much I’m loosing my face. There’s no point in taking another step without you. How awful and desperate I am. I am fallen and broken apart but I don’t mind. All I care for is you. Pein That’s it. ‘Who thou will drown – me or my fears?’ Now it’s her turn… |
| Shawn | (walks back and takes seat where he sat before)
Finished it, hm? Give it to me; I’ll hand it to her in about half an hour when we meet at the Epic Tower… You can wait around the corner, she always takes Violent Street home. Then you can have a talk. (smiles) |
| Pein | I don’t know how I ever could thank you for that… honestly. Thank you… |
| Shawn | No need to thank; I already told you I’m your friend. |
| (both disappear; go separate ways to the Epic Tower; Shawn has the letter) | |
| Shawn | Faye! Faye! |
| Faye | (hugs him; smiles)
Hey… how was your talk with Mr. Breakdown? |
| Shawn | Aww… Faye, it’s not the least bit of funny, is it? |
| Faye | I know… I’m sorry. He is the one who said that a smile is the best way to get away with trouble, even if it’s a fake one. |
| Shawn | Well… his pain is not fake. You better not talk to him if you meet him. He is seriously angry, he’ll probably hurt you… |
| Faye | Physically? |
| Shawn | Emotional, I guess… |
| Faye | What happened to him? |
| Shawn | Nothing special… just a bad day within a world he hates… He’s pissed of by the world’s mendacity. |
| Faye | I am so, too… |
| Shawn | Yeah… well… who isn’t? |
| Faye | You couldn’t do anything for him? |
| Shawn | No, even though he hates being alone letting him go was the best I could do at the moment. |
| Faye | I guess I’m not able to help him smile then? |
| Shawn | No… |
| Faye | Why is he always painting the rainbow black? Why isn’t he a bit more like you… |
| Shawn | I don’t know…
Faye, listen… Why don’t we meet in about five minutes at Spider’s Café in Violent Street? It’s just at the other side of the tower, you know? The day’s still young, so let’s put back on the colors of the rainbow, hm? Besides I need to talk to you anyway… Before that I just have to get that letter to the post office… |
| Faye | Great Idea! See you!
(both disappear in different directions) |
| Faye | (walks down the street; smiles)
Hey, Pein! Lovely day, hm? |
| Pein | (his eyes glued to her)
Hullo, Faye… |
| Amish 1 | (some amish people appear on the street talking loudly and fast; one of them steps into a turd and beings to swear)
Du heelische shaisse, gschiddelt hawwich wie en Laab im Wind!! Aach shees druff… (the amish people disappear) |
| Pein | (stares at her until she disappears in Spider’s Café at the bottom of the Epic Tower; breaks down; falls on his knees; cries) |
| Shawn | Pein!!
Oh my… what happened? |
| Pein | I-I’m… S-she… is g-gone. |
| Shawn | (helps him standing on his feet)
Oh my… I’m so sorry… I really would like to help you but I have a meeting I can’t cancel… I’m so sorry… really. |
| Pein | Aww… Shawn, it’s all right. I-I’ll be fine… ju-just go then… |
| Shawn | Are you sure? Oh, well, I’m sorry, I have to leave now.
Let’s talk tonight, see you… (claps his shoulder and leaves) |
| Pein | Yeah… tonight… |
III
Faye and Shawn. Later Pein. At Spider’s Café. Later in front of it.
| Shawn | (enters Spider’s Café looking for Faye)
Faye, hey! |
| Faye | (smiles) |
| Shawn | You feel all right? |
| Faye | …yeah… just met Pein… |
| Shawn | Did he do something to you? |
| Faye | His face scared me… it made me feel as if I was the reason for him being so sad. |
| Shawn | Aww… common, it’s not you…
He had an argue with his psychologist and now he’s all alone trying to face the overwhelming mendacity of the world; as he’d say. Just give him some time… everything’s going to be all right again… |
| Faye | (smiles)
Yeah, you’re right… Well, there is something you wanted me to tell? |
| Shawn | Urm… yes, well… I don’t exactly know how to tell… |
| Faye | (smiles)
Common, you’re not Pein, are you? Just open your mouth and throw out the words. |
| Shawn | (nervous; slowly)
Well… you know I really like you… …I-I’m so sick of speaking words that no one understands, you know? I-is it clear enough that I can’t live my whole life all alone? I-I just can’t; it doesn’t work. My heart is all yours; not mine anymore. It’s not beating for me but for you… I’m so sorry if you don’t feel the same… You know what I’m trying to say? All I care for is you… I love you. |
| Faye | (hugs him) |
| Pein | (standing on top of the Epic Tower)
Finally when everything turns to nothing my hearts starts to leak. How awful it is when no one’s listening; gaining the ability to talk doesn’t change anything… Oh, Faye, all these years I lived through you and you looked through me. You left me stranded; I am forgotten… abandoned; left behind. When you love someone but it goes to waste… could it be worse? (sighs) Now death… embrace me! No matter how cold you could ever be… it will be the warmest hug I’ve ever received. (jumps down) |
| Pein | (smashes onto the ground next to Shawn and Faye; in front of Spider’s Café) |
| Faye | (screams)
Oh… my… |
| Shawn | (looks scared; instantly holds her)
T-that is P-pein… |
| Faye | (cries)
No! Pein?! Why… |
| Shawn | … he couldn’t take it anymore…
(both sit down; Shawn still hugging her) |
| Faye | Oh, Pein, why did you… |
| Shawn | Shh…
He finally became egoistic enough to leave us… hurts somehow… |
| Faye | (absently; slowly)
…yeah |
| Shawn | What a black day… the rainbow’s fallen down… |
| Faye | (looks somehow disgusted and angry)
How w-weak he w-was. He h-hated me… |
| Shawn | No, don’t say that…
How could someone ever hate you? |
| Faye | He did!
Why else should he have done this to me?? Why?? |
| Shawn | (hugs her again)
…don’t know… |
| Faye | (slowly but out of a sudden; sadly; calm; looks at him)
You… you will not leave me this way, will you? You are strong… Promise me you’ll never leave me… |
| Shawn | (kisses her) |
No Responses Yet to “How to save a li(f)e”